I thought emptying a slightly-too-full chemical toilet might well be the grossest thing I do whilst living on a boat. It was tricky to carry through the boat because of shape and weight, and there was leakage I don’t want to dwell on too much (though as an upside, the floors have never been cleaned so thoroughly). How naive I was back then (last week). How blind I was to the ugly realities of life (and the consequences of a ‘tank full’ light that doesn’t work) in those days of innocence. How clean I smelled.
Over the bank holiday weekend, Double Fracture spent her first couple of nights away from the marina (the story of which will form the basis of another blogpost), and I had five people come to join me on the adventure. Whilst I had prepared in many respects for hosting a crew (there were eight types of cereal, and extra bar stools), I had not considered the toileting logistics. So by the end of the weekend I had an overfull Porta Potti and a pump out toilet that was not flushing, and spitting up fluid that would not indicate good digestive health. Thank goodness for Sainsbury’s for accomodating our bathroom needs on that final day.
So before getting an engineer to look at my presumably broken toilet, I would pump out the contents of the toilet, just in case that fixed the problem (although the ‘tank full’ light had remained resolutely off the whole time). As I unscrewed the sewage tank cap, fluid started to spurt out immediately. I didn’t heed the warning sign. I carried on unscrewing and was greeted with an explosion of black sewage tank contents. A fountain of foulness. An eruption of excrement. (Will I ever learn not to wear white tops when about to undertake potentially messy jobs?) I imagine I resembled Swamp Thing. I fled the scene to the shower, leaving my dad to deal with the aftermath. (I think I am now in substantial favour debt. How can you ever repay someone who has cleaned your shit off the side of your home?)
Three showers later (and the first time I have used detergent on my hair since I shaved it off), and I still feel unclean. I think even a liberal dousing of aromatherapy may not gain me acceptance in polite society today. Or this week. I think I will need some intensive bathing before my sister’s wedding next weekend.
This blogpost was brought to you by ‘Rather Be‘ by Clean Bandit feat. Jess Glynne.
P.S The toilet is now working again.
*Acknowledgments to Blaster Bates